This is something that I worked on a few weeks ago. I'm happy to say that I gave up drinking altogether. I never had a drinking problem. I only drank socially and also to relax at home. I want to get a point across. Also, I do not judge anyone who chooses to drink. I just stopped because of my own reasons. I hope you all grasp and put your feet in my shoes for a couple of minutes. Thanks for your support. :)
A Drink 11-27-2011
I didn't think I could do it just like turn vegetarian, live with no meat. Let me tell you why. Bartender! Bartender! My favorite drink please,
a lemon drop ... with a splash of chambord... Mmm with a sugared rim...
Can I fight the temptation of giving in?
See No drinking was my own decision, I used to get wasted.
take drinks that weren't on me, but based on the things that I'd see.
(Smh)....
Changed my whole view.. But all in all It was the thing to do.
It surrounds you everywhere you go.
The admission to get in the world of no sobriety started with one drink.
I started at sixteen and I experienced the bad side that I didn't expect to witness.
Verbal abuse, delusional and untrue.
Wicked spoken slurs.
Taken advantage of.
I blacked out... all I remember is that he was trying to stick his... in my mouth.
Introduction to the A word.
That was soon to be taught.
The nights that they forgot will forever be engraved in my memory.
Things that were done in the light faded into the dark.
Things from the past come in to replay.
Like a struck match thrown on gas.
That moment when you're looking funny but its me looking at you with the same feeling too but I'm not acting as crazy as you.
I'm trying to be a true rockstar, trying to catch up with everyone else, I don''t even drink this much.
Being a rock star isn't so fun anymore when I've made a ass out of myself which I couldn't even remember from the night before.
Then Waking up with hangover brings back the morning sickness, not cool.
When I've had too much I call and text my ex.
Fuck that neew girl... Making my problems go away..
Feeling so much better.
Only to find remainder of my tear stains that seemed even wetter.
I end up stuck facing the same old pain.
I felt if I was sober, I wouldn't have a good time.
That was all psychological.
Sitting in a circle with strangers every group session really brought me to asking myself questions.
All the stories I would hear, i'm thinking "I'm not even an alcoholic" "Why am I here?"
Now I know. I took all the knowledge they'd throw.
Learned where and how the drinking problems would grow.
Alize sipping on something to have the courage to put the stilettos on and swirl on the UN sterile pole.
Or the poor fifteen year old girl giving drunk uncle Ernest a hug that led to a forceful kiss.
When told ”I won't hurt you” hanging out on the beach late night with some guys and ”close” friends ended up leaving you in the sand from the beating hands.
This is something you wouldn't think that was included from a drink.
That led your mind to think you could still drive, sounds of clinking ice in the glass left the everything so cloudy, unknown to the fact you'd soon to see those flashing lights.
” Well what's the problem officer”
”License, registration... can you please step out”
” but I was almost to my house!”
after the breathalyzer has been held to your mouth.
And to go through this horrible ordeal.
That shot you were pressured to take ends up being your own mistake.
That 5 thousand dollar shot cost you your car.
The bread maker, that you steer.
The charge follows you for ten years.
While you aren't permitted to have a lick of alcohol in your system.
You say, I'm not ever doing this again.
But still again and again you abuse and lose yourself.
Seeing those horns appear when the liquor disappears.
It's like you're possessed.
Please! please! this is detrimental to your health.
You lose your mother, brother, daughter, son, your lover, Mr, Mrs. or your girl.
Armageddon to your world after all you still plead for just one more drink.... Just one, more!
All I want is you to see the recovery door.
Not for me but do it for you, & your family...
This is me sacrificing.
I can do it cold turkey.
Not only am I done, it's also you all drank enough for me.
See I was Afraid to cancel my subscription.
Be different..
Refund my admission because of not fitting in.
I realized after all that I don't need it for courage... If anything my confidence went up.
What scared me the most, is not only missing out.. but getting addicted feeling like I needed it
because it is considered a strong drug. Like a cigarette.
I came to the conclusion when I asked myself what am I drinking for?
I was afraid of not being able to affiliate anymore only to result in complication.
I wanted to show you I made the exception that if I quit drinking!
That maybe
MAYBE,
..........
drinking was our only connection.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Check-in (Something different)
I thought i'd check here because lately I have not been writing. I have not been inspired due to stress over personal things I don't want to expose in my poetry. Though I have been inspired to write based on other things I've been through. I felt like if I do a check-in regardless of writing or not would help me stay active. So I can build myself back up to get inspired again. I think this is helping.
So, I bought myself a Starbucks earlier today to make myself feel better (Happy).While sipping on my Starbucks. I pulled out one of my sketchpads and thought I'd try contour drawing today. I drew my Starbucks coffee cup and a separate picture of the Starbucks logo lady. I felt good after doing so. At least I'm not giving up and I'm having some ART activity going on even if it's minimal. Right?
Another thing I wanted to say is. While in my (DUI) session today. I had a thought come across in my head. In most group conversations I get cut off alot. In most of my life I've been cut off. I never fight or raise my voice to be heard. No one gets to hear (My) story. So I decided to find a way no matter what to write a book about my life up until this point. I always wanted to do it as in a diary form since I was a teenager. I wanted to do it and hide the characters names. I was afraid to do so because I felt incapable. Now I am not afraid. This will be a future project for me.
I also came up with a assignment for myself. Being that i've been getting to know (Me) more lately then ever before. I'm starting to consider all of the constructive criticism and face my flaws. The things I have been running away from. I am swallowing my pride in the process.
The assignment is;
This is a activity I would like to use to improve on myself. I want to get a outline of everything and evaluate.
Let's see how this works out. I will check back in soon. :)
-Ash
So, I bought myself a Starbucks earlier today to make myself feel better (Happy).While sipping on my Starbucks. I pulled out one of my sketchpads and thought I'd try contour drawing today. I drew my Starbucks coffee cup and a separate picture of the Starbucks logo lady. I felt good after doing so. At least I'm not giving up and I'm having some ART activity going on even if it's minimal. Right?
Another thing I wanted to say is. While in my (DUI) session today. I had a thought come across in my head. In most group conversations I get cut off alot. In most of my life I've been cut off. I never fight or raise my voice to be heard. No one gets to hear (My) story. So I decided to find a way no matter what to write a book about my life up until this point. I always wanted to do it as in a diary form since I was a teenager. I wanted to do it and hide the characters names. I was afraid to do so because I felt incapable. Now I am not afraid. This will be a future project for me.
I also came up with a assignment for myself. Being that i've been getting to know (Me) more lately then ever before. I'm starting to consider all of the constructive criticism and face my flaws. The things I have been running away from. I am swallowing my pride in the process.
The assignment is;
- Write all the things I like about myself
- Write all of the things I dislike about myself
- Circe the things I can change
- Circle the things I cannot change and work on accepting them
- Write all the things I like in general that make me happy
- Write all the things I dislike in general that make me angry
- Try to do more of the things that make me happy
- Work on being more calm & patient about things that make me angry.
This is a activity I would like to use to improve on myself. I want to get a outline of everything and evaluate.
Let's see how this works out. I will check back in soon. :)
-Ash
Monday, October 31, 2011
A Million
Your soft kisses does something to me.
What you would call out of the ordinary.
Soft like..
Feathers touching me.
Softly or like a sable brush.
You always start on the bottom and move your way up.
Impatient for our kiss
For my lips
To meet yours is a must.
The closer you get
My oxygen get smaller
while the tension gets taller and taller.
This feeling
I wish it could last a million.
so much love and lust.
Surround us and fills the room from wall to wall.
All the way up to the ceiling.
I told you, I want this to last a million.
Can't say forever because it would sound lesser.
Something with the chemistry.
Takes us to outer space.
We're on Venus, We're on mars.
Floating with a trillion different stars.
Just me and you.
No drugs
Just pure love.
Slow loving.
I've never made love in space before.
A drill to my core.
That's all it takes to evaporate to another place.
Like metamorphosis.
We're two, now one.
So blazing, hot like the sun.
Did we go to mars already?
I can't tell the difference.
Your loving is so diligent.
Baby, you have my mind going crazy.
I'm ready for you to.
Take me home baby.
Yes take it...
Home.
ohh.
See where your soft kisses get me.
Takes me places I've never seen.
You put the "eme" in supreme.
You bring things from my dream and make the real
Give me the urge to call into work as if I suddenly became ill.
And my Vagina... you heal
From pain to pleasure and again reverse
and so forth.
All in cold weather. The winter is ours
Naturally you bring the Tropical rainstorm to my room.
and baby every time it rains I think of you.
So when anyone discusses cupcake weather
All I think about is me & you together.
Not forever..
Not a billion
but
I want us to last a million.
What you would call out of the ordinary.
Soft like..
Feathers touching me.
Softly or like a sable brush.
You always start on the bottom and move your way up.
Impatient for our kiss
For my lips
To meet yours is a must.
The closer you get
My oxygen get smaller
while the tension gets taller and taller.
This feeling
I wish it could last a million.
so much love and lust.
Surround us and fills the room from wall to wall.
All the way up to the ceiling.
I told you, I want this to last a million.
Can't say forever because it would sound lesser.
Something with the chemistry.
Takes us to outer space.
We're on Venus, We're on mars.
Floating with a trillion different stars.
Just me and you.
No drugs
Just pure love.
Slow loving.
I've never made love in space before.
A drill to my core.
That's all it takes to evaporate to another place.
Like metamorphosis.
We're two, now one.
So blazing, hot like the sun.
Did we go to mars already?
I can't tell the difference.
Your loving is so diligent.
Baby, you have my mind going crazy.
I'm ready for you to.
Take me home baby.
Yes take it...
Home.
ohh.
See where your soft kisses get me.
Takes me places I've never seen.
You put the "eme" in supreme.
You bring things from my dream and make the real
Give me the urge to call into work as if I suddenly became ill.
And my Vagina... you heal
From pain to pleasure and again reverse
and so forth.
All in cold weather. The winter is ours
Naturally you bring the Tropical rainstorm to my room.
and baby every time it rains I think of you.
So when anyone discusses cupcake weather
All I think about is me & you together.
Not forever..
Not a billion
but
I want us to last a million.
V.I.P
10.23.2011
I won't forget when we first met.
I was too young and I didn't understand what you were about.
Everyone spoke so highly of you though
No doubt
My mom for instance
Told me lots of stories about you and I listened
Afraid to tell anyone else
Only to me is when you were mentioned
Our relationship began to grow.
I said things that no one else didn't even know
What you do you me..
ahh.. you have no clue.
Funny how back then I used to shy away
Now my hearts skips beats
Kind of has its own melody
I want to say i'd rather be with you then
Skky, E, or that herb which
Supposedly grew from natural seeds.
All of our moments
I want the whole world to see
Your presence and strong essence takes me on a journey
Happy flights, brokenhearted fights, intellectual nights,
crying tears, definite dreams, and even lustful things.
I work through it
While lifting my spirits
Like butterflies flying high
from flower to flower
I can go on for hours.
I've come this far in my life to find the courage to share
Tell everyone about V.I.P
You. A very important person.
She who believes in me
So beautifully.
Her name is.
Poetry.
I won't forget when we first met.
I was too young and I didn't understand what you were about.
Everyone spoke so highly of you though
No doubt
My mom for instance
Told me lots of stories about you and I listened
Afraid to tell anyone else
Only to me is when you were mentioned
Our relationship began to grow.
I said things that no one else didn't even know
What you do you me..
ahh.. you have no clue.
Funny how back then I used to shy away
Now my hearts skips beats
Kind of has its own melody
I want to say i'd rather be with you then
Skky, E, or that herb which
Supposedly grew from natural seeds.
All of our moments
I want the whole world to see
Your presence and strong essence takes me on a journey
Happy flights, brokenhearted fights, intellectual nights,
crying tears, definite dreams, and even lustful things.
I work through it
While lifting my spirits
Like butterflies flying high
from flower to flower
I can go on for hours.
I've come this far in my life to find the courage to share
Tell everyone about V.I.P
You. A very important person.
She who believes in me
So beautifully.
Her name is.
Poetry.
Never Never Land
My life is like one of those long freight trains
everyone hates when they're on the way to some place.
If I stop, my whole world would stop spinning.
My factory would get shut down.
My whole business.
All of my workers will get let down.
If I stop shinning, then there would be one less star missing from the universe
If I decided to fall down to earth and turn to cheese.
It wouldn't get dark anymore.
Only daylight
Sometimes I wish Ticker bell would come through my window
and take my hand
and like peter-pan
I'll fly off to never never land.
"Wait! Mommy! Where are you going?"
"I wanna go!"
"Sorry baby mommy will be back!"
As I drift away into the sky.
All I see, the bay lights beneath me.
Everything is so pretty.
I wish I could do this more often.
No bills, no cell phone, no loud domestic violence from next door,
No long trips t the grocery store,
No nagging boss everyday.
Just me, flying away.
No traffic, no drama.
For once no headache
No heartache
Just me floating to this happy place
above the bubbles and vibes of music.
With these city lights.
No requirements
Just to fly.
At least one time.
I always wondered what it would be like to fly.
and then I feel these taps on my face.
Everything starts to fade.
Am interruption to my thoughts.
"Mommy! Mommy! Can I watch beauty and the beast??"
"Okay sure.."
everyone hates when they're on the way to some place.
If I stop, my whole world would stop spinning.
My factory would get shut down.
My whole business.
All of my workers will get let down.
If I stop shinning, then there would be one less star missing from the universe
If I decided to fall down to earth and turn to cheese.
It wouldn't get dark anymore.
Only daylight
Sometimes I wish Ticker bell would come through my window
and take my hand
and like peter-pan
I'll fly off to never never land.
"Wait! Mommy! Where are you going?"
"I wanna go!"
"Sorry baby mommy will be back!"
As I drift away into the sky.
All I see, the bay lights beneath me.
Everything is so pretty.
I wish I could do this more often.
No bills, no cell phone, no loud domestic violence from next door,
No long trips t the grocery store,
No nagging boss everyday.
Just me, flying away.
No traffic, no drama.
For once no headache
No heartache
Just me floating to this happy place
above the bubbles and vibes of music.
With these city lights.
No requirements
Just to fly.
At least one time.
I always wondered what it would be like to fly.
and then I feel these taps on my face.
Everything starts to fade.
Am interruption to my thoughts.
"Mommy! Mommy! Can I watch beauty and the beast??"
"Okay sure.."
Holla for a Dolla
No mc. Just reality along with all my crazy analogies.
When I speak don't say bye, try saying hi to me.
Take some of this pride instead getting high no chemical dependency,
with all your brain deficiency.
You and mary janes intimacy.
Get on this knowledge prolificacy.
I don't think your hearing me.
The question they-re asking me
If you had one wish what would it be?
Not the usual list but just.... One wish.
Can you..keep it real with me?
No small talk
without having to lead on to sexual
Conversation
Give me a little admiration
I'm a lady.
I think I deserve that
Am I getting too straight to the point?
Well I think you're flamboyant
A matter of fact
You can't even look me in my eyes
Your thirstier then a snake looking for its first bite.
you're not even my type!
What was I thinking
And your breath is stinking!
I think you need some cavity cleaning.
Really, i'm not trying to beast.
I can't stand a dude who claims he has a mouthpiece
as they call it
Approaching me with all this nonsense
which happens constantly
I rather a guy tell his name then
the first thing that comes out his mouth
is "Can I have Yo number??"
Treating us women like nameless prey
Guess what we have game too
Men always thing we have no clue
to what you players try to do.
lol
That's all I have to say
Have a nice day
Wait before you get in your ford explorer
Here's your face
I found it on the floor.
When I speak don't say bye, try saying hi to me.
Take some of this pride instead getting high no chemical dependency,
with all your brain deficiency.
You and mary janes intimacy.
Get on this knowledge prolificacy.
I don't think your hearing me.
The question they-re asking me
If you had one wish what would it be?
Not the usual list but just.... One wish.
Can you..keep it real with me?
No small talk
without having to lead on to sexual
Conversation
Give me a little admiration
I'm a lady.
I think I deserve that
Am I getting too straight to the point?
Well I think you're flamboyant
A matter of fact
You can't even look me in my eyes
Your thirstier then a snake looking for its first bite.
you're not even my type!
What was I thinking
And your breath is stinking!
I think you need some cavity cleaning.
Really, i'm not trying to beast.
I can't stand a dude who claims he has a mouthpiece
as they call it
Approaching me with all this nonsense
which happens constantly
I rather a guy tell his name then
the first thing that comes out his mouth
is "Can I have Yo number??"
Treating us women like nameless prey
Guess what we have game too
Men always thing we have no clue
to what you players try to do.
lol
That's all I have to say
Have a nice day
Wait before you get in your ford explorer
Here's your face
I found it on the floor.
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Tuesday, October 18, 2011
That night
He gives me a kiss goodbye.
Goodnight,
In my heart I lied.
Fumbling with my keys,
He walks away
I say, Baby wait
Please stay
More intense then the first
Our lips meets again
Through the door we burst
He undresses me
I feel like a queen
Foreplay,
I whisper Softly
I want this my way..
Only thing he could say is..
Okay.
I tell him where,
The pudding is between.
It goes about a long fifteen,
Wet
Ready for Sex..
I start off with,
not tootsie pop licks,
but how many until you get to the center of the stick,
now I taste his tongue,
so divine,
It gives me cold down my spine every time,
we take our time,
he says tells me,
is this mine?
I struggle to say yes,
the way I'm moaning,
he shouldn't have to guess,
Mmm. Yes.
I'll have you wondering
What's next..
You won't wanna say
"Shout out to my ex,
Shout out to the sex"..
I think we might break this bed..
I'm sitting on his face while he gives me head.
Until, I had enough
He wants to give it to me rough
Tries to move.
His hands are cuffed
Me?
A freak?
Just a little..
Now i'm riding backwards
Working the middle
In the dark
He finds his way to my breast
My nipples
his starts to twiddle
We're almost.. there
....almost...
Our music is
Intuitive..
Together as one
We melt
Smooth as silk
Ecstasy spills the milk.
Like a bootle of champagne
We cum..
No pain
Just pleasure..
All of this a memory
As I think about it.
I take short pulls of this cigarette
See what this has done
I had to smoke in order to cope.
Not the usual. lol
So the bet was..
Hmm that night,
who would be... lol
umm well lets just say
HE ended up being sound asleep.
Goodnight,
In my heart I lied.
Fumbling with my keys,
He walks away
I say, Baby wait
Please stay
More intense then the first
Our lips meets again
Through the door we burst
He undresses me
I feel like a queen
Foreplay,
I whisper Softly
I want this my way..
Only thing he could say is..
Okay.
I tell him where,
The pudding is between.
It goes about a long fifteen,
Wet
Ready for Sex..
I start off with,
not tootsie pop licks,
but how many until you get to the center of the stick,
now I taste his tongue,
so divine,
It gives me cold down my spine every time,
we take our time,
he says tells me,
is this mine?
I struggle to say yes,
the way I'm moaning,
he shouldn't have to guess,
Mmm. Yes.
I'll have you wondering
What's next..
You won't wanna say
"Shout out to my ex,
Shout out to the sex"..
I think we might break this bed..
I'm sitting on his face while he gives me head.
Until, I had enough
He wants to give it to me rough
Tries to move.
His hands are cuffed
Me?
A freak?
Just a little..
Now i'm riding backwards
Working the middle
In the dark
He finds his way to my breast
My nipples
his starts to twiddle
We're almost.. there
....almost...
Our music is
Intuitive..
Together as one
We melt
Smooth as silk
Ecstasy spills the milk.
Like a bootle of champagne
We cum..
No pain
Just pleasure..
All of this a memory
As I think about it.
I take short pulls of this cigarette
See what this has done
I had to smoke in order to cope.
Not the usual. lol
So the bet was..
Hmm that night,
who would be... lol
umm well lets just say
HE ended up being sound asleep.
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